Objectivity Battles in relationships

September 17, 2023

Notes from a podcast episode with guest Terry Real, a couples therapist

"Reality" vs "Relationship"

Sometimes we find ourselves in relational issues that Terry Real calls "objectivity battles".

These are the scenarios where the wife says, "You're a [reckless driver]." from the passenger seat. But the husband responds with, "No, I'm an [aggressive driver and I know how and when to beat the traffic]."

It's a classic case of the couple arguing about what's objectively true and who's right and who's wrong. Usually these are traps that can drag a couple into decades of debate.

But the best way out of this is to think relationally.

From a relational perspective, the answer to "who's right and who's wrong?" is "Who cares? It doesn't matter." What matters is: "How are you and I going navigate this issue in a way that works best for both of us?"

It's not about objective reality; it's about the relationship.

This means switching to phrases like:

"As a favor to me, could you please __?"

And:

"What do you need from me to help you [deliver what I'm asking for]?" Or "What can I do to help you __?"

This is where the wife says, "As a favor to me, could you please drive slower when I'm in the car with you?"

Or this is where the husband says, "What do you need from me to help you feel safe?" Or "What can I do to help you feel more secure?"

Inside the ecosystem

As a couple, you are an ecosystem. You're not outside of it; you're in it. You are not above it - you are in it.

It's in your interest to keep your spouse and relationship healthy and happy, because you're in that relationship and you're partnered to your spouse. This is your life.

And thus Terry Real's major recommendation for most of the men he works with is:

Err on the side of giving and generosity. (It will come back to you.)

In the most direct and tangible sense I could imagine, I think this all boils down to something of a challenge:

When you're with your partner, can you set aside perspectives of objectivity and "right vs wrong" and switch to this relational perspective to figure out what will work best for you both, given the current situation? Generously offer to give, to help, and to provide for your partner's needs, and thus you, your partner, and the relationship will be all the better for it. What's best for everyone in the end is to prioritize the relationship over (the value of) "objectivity", because your life is tethered to this partnership.